if you only knew

sometimes words come out of nowhere. something buried inside struggles for a way out, and the words flow like water from the ground, and deep emotion rides that current to the surface. that's when i sit back and am amazed that those words and thoughts and feelings were even mine.

but when words fail me, they fail me badly. even the most basic notions fail to be bounded by definition or description, and the expression is inexact. i'd rather throw it out than miss the mark.

still i have to try...

in the moment that mattered

if you only knew
how far i had fallen
when you stopped to pick me up.
you gave me the breath i needed
before the current pulled me under.

you gave me a place
when i had no place to go,
when others would have sent me away.
you counted me as a friend
before you even knew my name.

it's okay that you didn't plan to,
didn't have it on a list of things to do.
luck, coincidence, or circumstance
threw it all together.
but it couldn't have happened without you.

the questions you never asked,
the truth you let me share,
the times when you were there,
these gave me peace.

you are special.
don't ask me how i know.

these words don't say it well, but it's close as i can come today. words on a screen are small things, but your words have made a big difference in my life. don't know what shape i would be in without them. how could i not say 'thank you'? i have a lot of faults, but ingratitude isn't one of them.

the right thing

when i woke up tuesday with that song going through my head, and it reminded me of you, i grasped at that straw that said 'maybe it's a sign, maybe she's thinking of me, maybe she wants me to try once more.' so fool that i am, i dispatched another hundred select words, like specks of cosmic dust pulled into a black hole. i knew it wasn't a sign of anything, except a sign of my persistent desire to hear someone say i want you, i need you, you make me happy, you make me complete, i feel safe with you, i want to be near you, i love you. i have impatiently searched for the 'right' woman, the one fate or destiny or God would have chosen for me. in my impatience, i made my own choice. i tried to live up to my responsibilities, and i tried to become something better than i am. failed both. maybe there isn't any happiness waiting for me out there. maybe the best i can do is stay here and fulfill the promise i made. i'm not happy, and she is not happy, but if she thinks i should stay... well, she's earned the right, and i owe her that much.

so as of now, it's not about you anymore. i have always felt guilty for those i let go, and i've been determined not to do that with you. but i finally realized that it takes two to hold on. i'm sorry it took me so long to learn that.

crossing center

maybe you wonder sometimes why you told me things, and maybe now you regret being so open. but anyway, your secrets are still safe, so don't worry, okay? but i do want you to know that for a time i had a strange...feeling, i guess. premonition, almost. on my daily drive to work, at some point i usually see some driver drift over the center line. usually not by much, but enough to make me notice. happens almost every day. so i began to think, if i see that every day, if there are that many drivers that only half pay attention, then what are the odds? one of these days i will be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that will be it. if that happened you would never know. all that you would know is that i stopped writing. so, i made an arrangement for my sis to let you know if something like that happens. it's okay, though, she's all about keeping secrets. feels foolish now. i didn't tell her much, okay? just that we both needed a friend, and we were friends for each other. nothing more. anyway, i could drag this out, but there's no point. someday you may get a call. i'm sorry. i had good intentions.

so that's how it feels

you remember i told you that i let people go? it's a flaw, i know. not something i choose, not how i want to be. the ones i'm supposed to be close to, i'm just not. somehow the effort of keeping in touch seems too much for me, and i just let them slip away. my wife pointed that out to me, as if i were blind to it. no, i'm not blind to it. i just don't know how to change it. but as i walked around the lake yesterday, i thought about you, and about how it hurt to just wait for words to come from you. some words, any words. words that would say we're okay, or words that would say we're through, any words that would break the silence. it made me wonder if anyone waits for words from me. those that i am supposed to love, supposed to care for, supposed to be close to. if so, maybe this is what they feel. a lonely ache, a desire to be desired. even though i don't ache for you anymore, the emptiness still waits to be filled, the question waits for the answer. in the end, i didn't get what i wanted, but i got what i deserved.

just shut up and row dammit

so here i am, like some dumb ass out in the middle of the lake who's flung his oar as far as he possibly could heave it. oh well, what the hell... there's no point in paddling if you got no place to go, right? right. no wait, better than just 'right' -- you're goddam right! okay, so we're clear on that. absolutely no fricking place in sight that's even remotely worth the effort of a sweaty row. pleased as hell that horoscopes don't cost a damn thing, else i'd feel gypped today. 'reinvigorated partnership' due to the 'full moon' and 'Mercury in harmony with Uranus'. sounds suspiciously like i'll be having my temperature taken soon, if you know what i mean. jeez what a day. aw shit, i think there's a leak in the boat...

letting go

it's been a week, nothing new from you. so i guess that answers the question. really hoped it was all a test, but i failed that test long ago. i hope to understand someday, understand why you chose a silent goodbye. probably never will, though. i don't know why life caused us to meet. don't know what to do with what i've learned. some people say there's a reason for everything. maybe so. the counselor told me that i'm not depressed, because i do get passionate about some things, but she said i seem to choose what things to be passionate about. i chose you, or maybe chose you to be my reason for changing what needed to be changed. i'm sorry i couldn't have been what you needed, sorry that i couldn't be there when you needed a friend. sorry that i offered you love that was impossible to accept. but i know that you are strong, and you will be okay...don't need me to see you through. so i'm going to let you go now, get on with my life. i always hope the best for you. seems like there should be something else to say, but i can't think of what it is. you take care, okay?

fragrance

word came from you today.
i should be happy,
but it's like you don't know me anymore.
do you know me?

still, any word is better than none.
maybe you're testing the water.
maybe you could use a friend.
you can use me.

use me like a sack
to carry your trouble,
then take me to the quay
and drop me in black water...

somehow, i can smell your perfume.