the right thing

when i woke up tuesday with that song going through my head, and it reminded me of you, i grasped at that straw that said 'maybe it's a sign, maybe she's thinking of me, maybe she wants me to try once more.' so fool that i am, i dispatched another hundred select words, like specks of cosmic dust pulled into a black hole. i knew it wasn't a sign of anything, except a sign of my persistent desire to hear someone say i want you, i need you, you make me happy, you make me complete, i feel safe with you, i want to be near you, i love you. i have impatiently searched for the 'right' woman, the one fate or destiny or God would have chosen for me. in my impatience, i made my own choice. i tried to live up to my responsibilities, and i tried to become something better than i am. failed both. maybe there isn't any happiness waiting for me out there. maybe the best i can do is stay here and fulfill the promise i made. i'm not happy, and she is not happy, but if she thinks i should stay... well, she's earned the right, and i owe her that much.

so as of now, it's not about you anymore. i have always felt guilty for those i let go, and i've been determined not to do that with you. but i finally realized that it takes two to hold on. i'm sorry it took me so long to learn that.