so that's how it feels

you remember i told you that i let people go? it's a flaw, i know. not something i choose, not how i want to be. the ones i'm supposed to be close to, i'm just not. somehow the effort of keeping in touch seems too much for me, and i just let them slip away. my wife pointed that out to me, as if i were blind to it. no, i'm not blind to it. i just don't know how to change it. but as i walked around the lake yesterday, i thought about you, and about how it hurt to just wait for words to come from you. some words, any words. words that would say we're okay, or words that would say we're through, any words that would break the silence. it made me wonder if anyone waits for words from me. those that i am supposed to love, supposed to care for, supposed to be close to. if so, maybe this is what they feel. a lonely ache, a desire to be desired. even though i don't ache for you anymore, the emptiness still waits to be filled, the question waits for the answer. in the end, i didn't get what i wanted, but i got what i deserved.