LOR

i sit staring at the monitor, reading and re-reading and re-reading...

i wrote the words, but i can't take credit for them. good words, inspired words of praise. when she read them, she said "wow, this is great! it summarizes everything better than my resume..." and i asked how many copies she thought she'd need, she said "well, three for right now, so...five." i said, "let's go ahead and make ten. just let me know if you need more." we stood by the printer and as the noisy beast spit them out i put signature on each one.

her choices had not been as good as mine, and i never fail to tell that part -- that i fared so much better than anyone else i knew of. that i had no complaints, that i had been treated about as well as a company could treat a person in these circumstances, and i was thankful. and i wish there were more i could do for the others.

i never got the chance to defend them, or argue for them. anyway, as was pointed out to me, it was better for us, and so now i worry for those who only have the one choice, to hang on. hang on, work hard - work very hard, because if you don't you might be replaced by someone else who will. or worse...

i accept it for what it is. i sit and read, and re-read, and re-read, over and over...

i'm glad i'm on the happy pills, or else i might truly be catatonic. as it is, i just sit and fight to get in focus. tasks that ought to take a few minutes take me hours, and tasks that ought to take hours take me days, or weeks, or years.

i have a reputation. when i finish something that i think i did a good job of, i might just stand and look at it for awhile. maybe a long while. maybe it's a self-praise thing, to admire it and tell myself "that turned out really well." between the depression that is god damnably stubborn and refuses to let me go, and the need to find some accomplishment to salve myself with praise over, the only thing i could find was the letter i promised her. i had known she would be coming in, so i started it first thing so i'd be sure to have it done when she got there. the words flowed like milk and honey, so well that i know it had to be God, not me who was providing the words. but just the fact that i had been there to be a part of it was enough, and i read and re-read and re-read the words over and over again, like an addict who can't satisfy his need.

she thanked me and seemed grateful, but the truth is that she had earned that letter and more. i owed it to her in the very least, and i thanked God for making it happen so that i wouldn't let her down. i owe others as much, but i'm fighting the paralysis and don't think i am winning. i may let them down, but for her at least, the letter is written. i hope it does some good. i feel like some justice has been served, or rather an injustice mitigated. now it's on paper and signed, proving my acknowledgement that this person did her job, did it well, did what was asked and went beyond to do more, and the reason her job was lost was not any fault of hers. give her a chance and you will be the one who is rewarded. i hope it does some good.

there at the last, i liked to say, that pound for pound we may have had the best group ever. to which someone is quick to remind me "yeah but Terry is a little guy who doesn't weigh much." true. but i felt lucky to have such a team. not everyone was at the top of their game at that point, myself included, but overall it was exciting to see them tearing into things, learning, and leading. we were growing, and rebuilding, just as Kirk had said he wanted me to do, just a few days before...Monterey.

it has been fun. i already miss those who have gone on, and i will miss those that stay on. i loved it, and i loved them. it's sad to see that all the effort by all those good friends wasn't enough. it should have been, but it wasn't.

i wish Kirk had written a letter for me. i would like to know what he would have said. i really need it now.