above board

went to see her who i thought could my next mistake the other night. i actually think i won't try with her. too many things that were wrong with her ex are also wrong with me, or were wrong with me at least. i never know for sure what i will be like tomorrow, and that scares me a little. just for a moment while i sat there beside her, i felt so attracted to her. i really wanted to make that mistake. but she deserves a really good guy this time, to make up for her first marriage. and so many things would be too much like my situation already: too much religion, a son that will always be her first priority, frustration waiting for her to find the word she needs. and always waiting, dreading, for her to find out my flaws. so selfish i am...i know it. so maybe i'll just keep it all above board with her.

same true for the chinese girl at the restaurant. i know it's impolite to stare, and i try not to, but when she's there i really want to. stare at her all day, that would be fine for me. i love the way she wears her hair back in a pony tail, and the wisps of hair that hang down on her cheeks. her eyes are dark and deep, and her smile is so sweet that she just melts me. but i don't stare. instead we smile and say "hi, how are you today?" and then i look down. but even if i were single, even if i had the nerve to ask her out, i doubt we could communicate well enough to get to know one another. her english is way better than my chinese, but still... so keep it above board. smile and say hi. leave a really good tip. hope that she can tell somehow that even though i can't be the one she hopes for, she is still precious to me, and beautiful...