repeat as necessary

i was in love once. i didn't treat her right, though. i was young and a fool, and flawed. but i know that i really loved her because i was happy for that year. happy to be with her, happy to think of her when we were apart, happy that such a perfect girl had chosen me. when she fell in love, it lit up her whole face, and there was no way she could contain it. she glowed with love. and it hurt because as i recognized the love on her face, i knew it was love for someone else, not me. after that came days when i could not even get up, couldn't move, couldn't think. when i finally did get up, i was in a fog, going through the motions but not really engaging. i tried a few times to tell you that i knew i had been a jerk, to tell you i was sorry, to tell you that my love was real. hoping i guess that some day, even if it was years later, that life would give me a break. put everything into a perspective that would allow me a second chance. but it never did. for years i would look forward to the "KCFF" as you used to call it, hoping i could see you, just for a moment, to know where life was taking you. i did see you a couple of times, then lost you. last year i caught a woman looking at me as if she knew me, but i couldn't be sure... over the years i lost my nerve, and finally gave up stopping by your parents' house. i know i owe them an apology, but it seems wrong and useless to open up old wounds now.

i've been saying "you", but i mean "her". i finally realized that you look like her. the freckles on the nose, the wide smile, the sandra bullock chin, and the eyes... of course you couldn't be her, it's impossible. maybe i tied you two together in my mind, hoping i could finally set things right with you where i failed to with her. stupid, i know. instead it's the same thing all over. shut me off like a switch, ignore and avoid me, and i never get to hear you say what i did that was wrong, why you hate me so. and you never have to endure hearing me say "whatever it is, i'm sorry. make me understand and i'll try to change it." you said once that i made you feel appreciated, but do you appreciate that i'm willing to do for you what i can't or won't do for anyone else, change? doesn't matter now, though, because you've gone on to the next thing. i was kidding myself to think you needed me, even for a while. for sure you don't need me now. maybe i just remind you of the bad time in your life that you want to forget.

anyway, i wanted to tell you that yesterday someone touched my sleeve. when i looked up it was a lady i've known a long time but only see occasionally. each time i saw her, she seemed to be getting more beautiful. as we talked she told me she was separated from her husband, which was a shock to me. i confessed to her that i have a few more weeks of counseling, then i have to decide, too. then we exchanged numbers, and she surprised me with a hug. so maybe she can be my next mistake, do you think? keep trying til i get it right? you and i both need something more than words on a screen from ten thousand miles away, ya? i lived the fantasy, held on to hope, tried to become the kind of man i would want you to have. but in the end, i'm the needy one. need to hear you say that it's not for nothing, that you still think of me. need to hear you say that even if you don't love me, you at least want me for your friend. 'always', remember? i'm trying to let you go...i am.