last christmas

i was remembering last Christmas, when i asked you to sing a certain song that reminded me of how i wished i could be there. i don't know if you did...you never told me. but i heard that song a couple of days ago and now i'm back to wishing all over again. wishing i was someone else, wishing i hadn't made the mistake i made. wishing i could skip to the end of this story to see how it all turns out.

i know this is all seasonal. if i can make it until the spring, i'll feel so much better. but this is only december, and spring is so far away, and once i get there...so what? i'll still be wishing i could have that second chance. you will still be as distant. i should admire the ability to cut losses and move on, but i just can't. i've lost and lost and lost my whole life, and i've reached a point where i'm not willing to lose any more. i will hold on to hope, even if there is none. if i lose, i will grieve the loss with every breath and every step. i will be faithful and true to the memory for as long as i live. if God wants me to change, then he will have to change me. i'm through letting go.