thanksgiving

"Dear Heavenly Father, it is with humble hearts that we turn to you this day and we pause to give you thanks, to tell you that the burden is on our hearts that we cannot and will not take this gift of life for granted, but we are truly grateful for the many blessings you have bestowed upon us. Yes we are grateful for this bountiful feast, and that we can live our entire lives and never have to worry or wonder where our next meal will come from. We are grateful for the safety of our homes, and that we can live our entire lives and never suffer fear or threat of violence. More than these though, we are grateful for the merciful grace you have extended to us, and the redemption made possible through your son Jesus Christ, and that through that redemption you have given our hearts the capacity to hold the lives of others more dear than our own. If we might petition one request, it would be that on this day throughout all the face of your creation, that you would bless and comfort those who cannot be with their loved ones with the assurance that though they may be far away they are not forgotten. For even though time and distance and circumstance conspire to keep us apart, it is the love that brings us back together again, and that love is enough to bridge the distance."


it occured to me, as we stood in a circle holding hands waiting for someone to ask the blessing, that it has now been a whole year since i said those words. in starts and stops, pausing to fight back the tears that welled up and choked off my voice, i fought my way through it. of course no one knew, and when they asked "what's wrong? what's going on with you?" i just lied and said i didn't know. but the truth is that i was crying for the love i could not have, the love that was completely impossible. we could not have been more different, could not have been farther apart. but it felt good to be in hopeless, one-sided love. even the hurt felt good, far better than the icy emptiness that it had replaced. the good was in the giving, knowing that it would not be returned. to love someone and have them love me back... that would be more than i could hope for. that would be ecstasy.

only the pahlawan understands it all. i will hate myself if i disappoint her, but i am not a better man with each passing day. back then, i wanted to be a better man, wanted to please God and hope that he would reward me with happiness. but now i am sliding back into my old ways. not face down in the gutter, but not a prize either.