4 am

i dreamed i was shot. the guy, i knew. nice guy. don't know why he wanted to kill me, but maybe i deserved it. not sure how many times i was hit. once at least, in the lower back, right side. i hid behind a car door as he continued shooting, and finally he ran out of bullets. he cut me some with a knife, too, but somehow he lost it or i got it away from him, i don't remember. after that, he just wouldn't stay still and talk to me, or even listen. i finally got him to stop, and i tried to explain that i had to go drive myself to the hospital. people would ask how i got shot and i would have to tell them, and then it would be bad for him. i wasn't angry, just concerned for him. then he saw some blood on my arm he grabbed it and began to suck it like a vampire or something, i was so repulsed i jerked my arm away and yelled, "jeezus! are you crazy?" and then i wondered if he was HIV.

i must have passed out. when i woke up it was night, and i was in the middle of a street. a car drove right by me and then backed into a driveway. a lady got out and came over to help me. i managed to stand up and say, "i need for you to drive me to the hospital...i've been shot." she said something about we couldn't take her car because dinner was in it. i guessed she meant it was full of groceries, but didn't have the energy to ask. i handed her a keyring with several keys on it and said "i don't know which key it is. it's not my car." we got into a small sedan and she began to drive. i was in the passenger seat, turned over on my left side to keep from pressing weight on the wound. she began to talk, asking me questions, i think to keep me awake. she asked me who my doctor was, and which pharmacy i use. i told her. she asked if i had any children, and i told her "one daughter still at home." and then she asked if my daughter was a good student, a "5.0 or 6.0 grade point?" which didn't make sense to me, because i thought gpa's only went up to 4.0. but i wasn't sure, so i just said "she makes A's and some B's" to which she remarked "oh, so 4.0 then?" i was getting woozy again and i kind of mumbled "yeah, she tries."

by now it was daylight, and we were blocked by traffic and couldn't move. she asked me if i was in a lot of pain. i said "no, it's not that bad. mostly just an ache. i'm not even sure how many times i was hit. at least once, near the kidney." i looked at the cars that blocked us and wished there was some way around, but i guess there was none. i looked over at her. she was calm, and pretty, and exactly what i needed at that moment. somehow i was calm, too. "thank you for stopping to help me. i know that must have been scary -- strange man, all bloody, middle of the night, you alone..." she just smiled as if to say 'it's okay, glad i could help'. pretty lady. nice lady.

i looked through the windshield at the traffic jam, and at a long-haired girl doing handsprings in the street. i felt an urge to just get out and walk the rest of the way, but by now i wasn't sure i could stand. even the effort of keeping my eyes open was getting to be too much. as i drifted off, i wished that i had asked her to please stay with me. i would really like it if she could just stay with me...

simpler times

when i was 6, in the first grade of elementary school, they taught us to read. the illustrated practice reader was a story about a little boy and girl who walked to a five-and-dime store to look at something, but i don't remember what or why. i only remember that the colors were soft and clean, and they were happy kids.

when i was 7, in the second grade, for some reason i remembered that practice reader, and i wanted to find it to read it again. i don't remember why, but i had a compulsion, a need to go back to what was already a simpler time. i looked in every room of the small house we lived in, looked in every drawer and on every shelf, but i couldn't find it.

i went back to see that old house a few weeks ago, and i remembered that long ago time. i remembered playing hide and seek, running water on the sides of the old swamp cooler, then sitting right in front of it humming. i remembered finding a litter of kittens in the abandoned chicken coop in the back yard, watching them play with each other in a laundry basket. and i remembered standing outside the school on a cold winter morning, ears and fingers and toes stinging, waiting for the bell to ring so we could go inside, lunches that only cost a quarter, cold milk in a glass. i remembered the little girl i had a crush on, and trying to impress her. i remember going to the movie theater and praying that the cartoon would be a Road Runner cartoon, amazed when it was, and then later running home to tell my sister that James Stewart was in the old west, because i was too young to understand that movies aren't real. i remembered the Boll Weevil, and Tubby's Cafe, and Ratliff's grocery where we would take our occassional allowance and buy an ice cold Dr. Pepper in a glass bottle, then all the way home savor it and ponder the significance of 10, 2 and 4.

but everything now is falling apart. even though those were not the good old days, they were at least simpler. if God would only let me go back, i could handle it now. i could handle yesterday so much better than today.

above board

went to see her who i thought could my next mistake the other night. i actually think i won't try with her. too many things that were wrong with her ex are also wrong with me, or were wrong with me at least. i never know for sure what i will be like tomorrow, and that scares me a little. just for a moment while i sat there beside her, i felt so attracted to her. i really wanted to make that mistake. but she deserves a really good guy this time, to make up for her first marriage. and so many things would be too much like my situation already: too much religion, a son that will always be her first priority, frustration waiting for her to find the word she needs. and always waiting, dreading, for her to find out my flaws. so selfish i am...i know it. so maybe i'll just keep it all above board with her.

same true for the chinese girl at the restaurant. i know it's impolite to stare, and i try not to, but when she's there i really want to. stare at her all day, that would be fine for me. i love the way she wears her hair back in a pony tail, and the wisps of hair that hang down on her cheeks. her eyes are dark and deep, and her smile is so sweet that she just melts me. but i don't stare. instead we smile and say "hi, how are you today?" and then i look down. but even if i were single, even if i had the nerve to ask her out, i doubt we could communicate well enough to get to know one another. her english is way better than my chinese, but still... so keep it above board. smile and say hi. leave a really good tip. hope that she can tell somehow that even though i can't be the one she hopes for, she is still precious to me, and beautiful...

the long way

always take the road i've never travelled.
if it's empty, so much the better.
lost, in the middle of nowhere,
i am finally home.

in the wide open spaces,
gold and green prairies under blue skies,
you can see trouble coming a long way off,
and breathe so easy when you don't.

past the rusty tin roofs,
the fallen down homesteads,
past the broken windmills,
and the barbed wire.

out here i yearn to just keep going,
let the miles pile up behind me.
and where i stop i'll start from scratch,
where nobody knows my name.

splash

just a long weekend at the lake...