epitaph

"will you marry me?"

the words pop into my head at odd times. at first i thought i was going crazy, hearing voices. but i knew it was my own voice, really. the words that best sum of the story of my life.

will you marry me?

when she told me she was late, it was not a shock. she warned me that it was the right time, but it only encouraged me. i thought "if it happens, then she'll marry me and i won't have to ask." but i did ask, and she said, "no." at first. until she stopped to look at the situation practically, and then she said "okay, i will."

it seemed like a small thing at the time. in the end, i got what i wanted, or thought i wanted. she married me. not the ringing endorsement i had hoped for though. it didn't take long to realize that the original "no" was the true answer from her heart, and the later "okay" was the sound of her heart surrendering to her head.

will you marry me?

no...

i just wanted to do the right thing. we tried several times to make things better. counseling, family conferences, "romantic" weekends. but we never got to the point where we could work together or compromise. now after 22 years, by mutual agreement, we finally can agree that we should begin the dissolution.

will you marry me?

i know why those words haunt me. they are the words i long to say. someday, i want to pose that question out of love, not obligation. i want someone to know that she is the only light in my life, and when she says "yes" i want it to be without doubt, hesitation, or reservation. it's the only hope that keeps my heart beating.