first frost

it's been almost a year since...well, you know. i would have sworn that i was over you, completely, 100%. but i guess the seasons change, and the feelings come back up again when the leaves begin to fall. i loved telling you about the leaves, and the snow, and every trivial thing about my life. i hoped it took your mind off the struggles you were going through, and hoped you looked forward to hearing from me as much as i did from you.

you were good for me. i was a better person for you than i ever was for anyone else, and without you i've slipped back into my old self -- sulky, moody, angry, caring less and less about my next breath, much less tomorrow or next year. i loved you as purely as the warmth of the sun, and because of that love i even loved myself. even though i had no promise, i at least had the hope, the possiblity, and that made life good again.

but the hope of you has been gone a long time, and all my other hopes have come and gone too. today was the first frost. winter is coming. the chill is on me now, not that i mind it.

but you won't feel it. you will be warm, and you will be celebrating soon. here's hoping that this year is all happiness for you, not the joy mixed with anguish like last year.

it always seems like there was something else i wanted to say, but it doesn't really matter. i know you will never see this anyway. what would i give for one sentence from you?...

limit of grace

when we kiss, she ends it.
she tells me about men who find her attractive,
"not to make you wonder"
but i wonder,
"are you attracted to them?"

anyone would say
i got what i deserved.
i don't deny it.
she must have felt this way
ten thousand times.

and what were those prayers i said?
"let her find someone who makes her happy..."
God's sense of humor floors me.
or maybe it's not humor, maybe it's just irony,
to prove that i don't know what to ask for.

perhaps i should have prayed on,
"and when she finds him, let him be me."
but as i said, i had enough chance,
had enough time, had enough grace.
i got what i deserved.

happy anniversary

finally i have time for those evening walks. she talks and laughs, and i think, "anyone who sees us now must think we're the happiest couple." and for at least right now, we are.

i clean the kitchen and mop the floors, wash the clothes. cook the dinner, balance the checkbook. run the errands. feels good to do for her what she did for me -- take care of everything else while the spouse works and goes to school.

i listen to her tell about her day. tell her about mine. hold her close. tell her i missed her.

i wish i could hear her say that she's finally gotten what she's always wanted.

poco a la mas