the end
saturday
wheels touched down at last, after more than a full day of travel. once inside the terminal, i checked and was glad to see that yes, my phone had service. i moved a discreet distance from doa and warboss and punched in the numbers, clicked call, and held my breath.
there was, as she later described it, a surrealness to it all. neither of our voices was what the other imagined, as though typed words on a screen could have possibly imparted enough to give us the faintest notion of what to expect, even after two and a half years. but at least we weren't stammering for lack of much to say. after a minute, she dis-invited me to her kenduri due to the heat and crowd. i said it was just as well, since it was getting late and we still hadn't collected our checked bags or gone through customs. we said our good-nights. not face to face, yet, but at last i had finally heard the voice of pahlawanku.
sunday
the next day i felt great, with no hint of jet lag. we spent the day fathoming the mrt and exploring a bit. around 11:00 we met fish and catmaster at suntec city. whitecoffee joined us there for lunch, and we spent the rest of the day shopping the nearby malls. furtively i played sporadic message tag with pahlawanku, who was doing her best to find enough of her very short time to go around, and the with dragon slayer, who had encouraged us with greetings, well wishes and welcomes throughout our travel and arrival. i had tried to call the dragon slayer from the hotel earlier but had gotten no answer. by late afternoon, doa and warboss were still standing but just barely, and looked ready to fall dead asleep any minute. i used their fading condition as an excuse to end the day, and whitecoffee offered to drive us back to the hotel.
as he drove us, his car stereo was playing a cd, and i heard a woman's voice start out,
it was the most haunting, most beautiful, most soulful song i had ever heard. from the back seat i asked "who is the lady singing this song?"
whitecoffee shrugged and shook his head "i don't know..." but he handed me the cd case over the seat.
i found her name and picture on the back, eva cassidy. i had never heard of her, but made a mental note to check her out. i guess the others could tell how immersed i was in the music, or maybe doa and warboss were falling into a stupor. either way, no one spoke until the song was over. "i like her version better than sting's" i said as i handed the case back to him.
whitecoffee dropped us at the hotel and we said our thanks and goodbyes, and see-you-tomorrows. i had a little more than an hour. after a fast shower and fresh clothes, i tried phoning the dragon slayer, and this time got an answer. we began to talk, and she seemed to have time for conversation, which was a situation beyond rare and into the the territory of damn near never. she was such an enigma to me. i never knew when such a moment might occur, and on the few occassions they had in the past i stubbornly held on it until she obviously had to go. midway into the conversation though, pahlawanku messaged me with a firm time to meet, and i realized i only had about ten more minutes before i'd have to leave.
i wish i had kept count of the number of times i had wondered if my pahlawan and the dragon slayer had somehow met each other and conspired to tag team me. if so, this moment was masterfully orchestrated to create maximum angst. here dragon slayer was opening the door just a crack, but enough to make me think i might finally get enough of a clue to begin to fathom her. meanwhile, the mrt was whisking pahlawanku toward, if not exactly a date with destiny, at least a moment i had longed for and a chance that once missed would probably never come again. of course, a moment like the one i was having with dragon slayer might also never come again either, so i stayed with it past the time i thought i should be leaving. my anxiety increased by the minute, though, and the thought of pahlawanku waiting at orchard station, looking around for me, looking at her watch, then giving up and getting back on the mrt...
feeling like i was abandoning her in her time of need, i told dragon slayer as gently as i could, "i'm sorry, but i have to go..." from her perspective i can only imagine her thinking "you're 10,000 miles from home.. what could possibly be on your calendar that is imposing a hard stop on your time, my time, when i was about to share my soul with you?" but she said no such thing, just graciously let me go.
i hastily gathered up a few items into a sack, took the elevator downstairs and began a brisk walk the few blocks to orchard station. i got there and looked all around, but no pahlawan. i tried to guess which way she would be coming in, and picked a spot by a pillar where i could watch, and where she could find me easily. the crowd thinned until the place was almost empty, and then after a few minutes another batch came streaming through the turnstiles.
then i saw her, and she saw me too, not looking straight at me but turning her head a little to the right and looking at me kind of from the corner of her eye, and smiling the way she does. just like the hundreds of pictures i'd seen of her. we said hellos and hugged politely, then leisurely began to walk together to the exit, talking as we went. surreal, yes but awkward, no. not for me, at least. after a while we found a coffee shop that was not too loud, and we sat with cold drinks while she looked at some souveniers i had brought for her. talking to her was easy. we had once worried that when we met we might have trouble making a real conversation, and she was afraid i wouldn't understand her because of her accent, but no such troubles. i was enjoying it, savoring it, wishing it could last longer but knowing it couldn't. i knew that she was giving me a major chunk of the precious little time she had, and even so i was painfully aware of the time slipping away.
after awhile it was obvious that we were the last ones in the cafe, and the store keepers were ready to clean up and close. we gathered up our things and went outside.
"you know, this changes things..." i said, "you're no longer the best friend i never met." she nodded to allow that was true, and then i added "now i can die happy."
"but don't do that tomorrow, okay?"
"sure, okay," i agreed.
she walked with me most of the way back to my hotel before finally flagging a cab. we said goodbye, hugged one more time. then she got into the back of the taxi, which was now waiting for a light. since traffic was stopped, i crossed the wide street but tripped clumsily at the curb when i turned to wave goodbye one last time. it was dark inside the cab, and i couldn't tell if she was waving back, or if she had even seen me wave, or seen me stumble. if she's even looking at me, she's probably thinking "what a klutz." but then the light changed, and as i watched, the cab sped off with her, and that was that...she was gone.
my sleep had not been great, and that night it was still not great -- sleep one or two hours, wake up, lie still and maybe get back to sleep for another hour or two, repeat as necessary. sometime during the night, i began to have...understanding.
there is a desert where, over thousands of years, the wind-driven sand has carved rock into sculptures that look like they were made by rushing waters, amazing works of art that only God has the patience to create. i understood then that every moment of our lives is like one of those grains of sand, sent to carve one tiny speck from the raw stone of our lives, and imperceptibly shape us as he intends. but it takes forever, and unlike the stone, we have free will, and sometimes we want what we want, and don't have the patience, foresight or wisdom to wait for God's perfect plan to work itself out in us. we take matters into our own hands, selfishly take shortcuts on the path to intimacy to get what we think we want, and make a hell of a mess of things. i could look at my life and pick out those moments now, and i finally understood them for what they were, the evidence of my lack of faith. faith, which if i only had enough to fill a mustard seed i could tell a mountain to throw itself into the sea, and it would obey. Jesus himself did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped. yet i, a mere child through adoption, arrogantly assume that mantle of control over my own destiny, my lack of faith evidenced by my failure to trust him.
i suddenly felt a compelling need to pray, and i felt that to pray while just laying there would not show him proper respect. i thought of how we always pray in church, standing with heads bowed and eyes closed, and the presumptuous audacity of it was repulsive to me. i got off the bed and onto my knees, then put my hands face down on the floor and pressed my face to the backs of them. i prayed for several minutes, tears pouring from my eyes, on my face as i had never prayed before.
I wondered if it mattered to God. surely it must have, for the feeling to have been so strong. so did it matter then, that i'd never prayed like that? was is wrong to pray sitting or standing? in some religions they always pray face down on the floor, but does praying with your face on the floor always make your prayers worth saying? some say it's a matter of obedience, others say that you can't legislate morality. if you obey the law to avoid the penalty, or even to make yourself acceptable to other people, then does that make you righteous? the pharisees were experts at obeying the law, but Jesus rebuked them. their righteousness, and mine, was as filthy rags. i began to see the behaviors of the law being the manifestation of the love of God, the fruit. attempts to mimmick those behaviors to appear righteous are futile and insulting to God. change comes from the inside out. 'grace' is God withholding the penalty, allowing us a little more time to come to recognize the truth. by his mercy, we live our days being carved by the wind and the sand, and if we are wise and fortunate and obedient, we are gently shaped to his pleasure. but if a particular blemish is hard and resists the wind and the sand, it takes a stonger blow to clear it...
as my heart and mind and soul were swept along, i was filled with awe and amazement, and twice more i found myself face down on the floor with the tears streaming from my eyes. at one point i thought "this is too important, i have to write this down." and so i tried, but the more i tried to get it written down, the faster it seemed to dissolve away, like trying to remember a dream...
monday
dragon slayer had predicted that our first day in the office would be mostly taken up with socializing. she was pretty much right. when she first saw me she said "lee! i don't remember you looking this way!" i tried to find out how she thought i had changed, but the best she could do was show me a photo on the wall that was taken on my last trip, which was the only time we'd met. looked the same to me. "well, what can i say? i'm three years older."
it was delicious to me, meeting so many of my friends again. it felt good to see their smiles, and they always made me feel welcomed there. but they are an industrious bunch, and before the morning got too far wasted actual business did start popping in. dragon slayer in particular. she was a short-timer, having announced her notice a few days before, and she was frantically trying to wrap up those projects she could, or deliver a smooth handoff on those she couldn't. not all business with her, but she had direction and focus to her efforts and could almost never be distracted. but, now and then i still tried. "you know, i remember that you recently took a trip to California, and i never got to hear anything about it." she stopped speechless for a second as her eyes opened wide, sending her brows into a nice arch before her quick and graceful recovery. "yes, well...we're not going to talk about that!" she turned smartly and went back behind her desk, having swiftly and deftly parried my kay-poh question into her personal life. doa put it best when he said "yep, she's cagey."
she took lunch from the canteen to her desk while some of the rest of us went out, but she met up with us again for the fruit trays the company served. after lunch we seriously got down to business. by six o'clock i was done, spent, and most of the people i was working with had gone home. but doa and warboss weren't tired at all, and were still training at seven o'clock. jet lag had finally caught up with me and was now kicking my ass. about the fifth time i stepped into their room, they took my hint that i'd like to call it a day. lazarus came by and offered to take us out for dinner. i allowed that doa and warboss would probably like to go out, but it was my turn to get the hotel and go to bed without dinner, and would be so kind as to drop me at the mrt? we went to his car, but he didn't stop at the mrt. instead he headed for the freeway, explaining that he could drop me off and then take the guys to dinner. i was grateful.
i was disappointed that i hadn't heard anything from pahlawanku all day. i knew she was busy, and her schedule was even more erratic due to late night soccer matches, or football as it's known everywhere except the u.s. just then my phone chimed that i had received a text message. i quickly read it. there was some explanation that she didn't have her phone at lunch because the battery was dead and needed some serious charging. she ended by saying "see you tomorrow". that last got my hopes up. i replied back asking her to clarify. "really? see me tomorrow? literally, or figuratively as in on-line? this proximity thing confuses me..."
confuses me? i must have really confused dragon slayer with that message. it wasn't until several days later that i realized that message was from her, not pahlawanku.
what an ass.
tuesday
i alighted from the mrt at city hall station. after dinner with my coworkers, i had announced my plans and was inwardly relieved when they decided not to join me. now i was faced with the not too trivial problem of figuring out which way to go from city hall. the signs for the b exit did not list the hotel i wanted, so i kept looking. another list had it for the a exit, which was fine, if i could just find out where was the a exit. for a country bumpkin, even the most elementary details of big city navigation are a challenge. i finally asked a lady if she could tell me which way to the carlton, and she tried to help me, but was showing me to the b exit so i thanked her and left. finally found the a exit and rode the escalator up to street level.
as tall as the carlton was, several other buildings were at least as tall and i really had no idea which way to go. i ventured out a block, continually scanning around to see if the hotel name might peek out from between the other buildings if i could just get the proper angle, but that angle seemed to be eluding me. there was a group of three girls passing by me, and when they got close to me i said, "excuse me, do you know the way to the carlton?" it was as if i had truly accosted them. with alarmed looks on their faces, they nervously shook their heads no and hurried off. shit. do i seem that damned terrifying? a small chinese lady was crossing the street, and so i decided to try to ask her, as she was older and perhaps not so fearful of me. when i asked her if she could point me in the direction of the carlton, she didn't run away, but she didn't seem to understand either. after a couple of tries i finally realized that she was trying to tell me that her english was not good, but she wanted to help me find someone who could direct me. she was pointing up the block in the direction she was going and indicated that i should follow her, so i did. right away we met a group coming towards us, a young woman and a couple. my guide approached the young woman and began speaking to her in chinese, and after a minute i could see that the young woman understood that i was lost and needed directions. she turned to me and asked "where are you going?" when i told her the carlton hotel, she said, "oh, we're going there too, you can just walk with us." then she explained to the little chinese lady that i was going where they were going, and they would lead me. a smile of approval came across her face, happy that i was going to be taken care of. i said thank you and bowed respectfully to her to communicate my appreciation for her help, and smiling she bowed to me in response to say "you're welcome."
as we started off to cross the first intersection the couple asked me if i was staying at the carlton too, and i explained that, no, i was going to hear the singer there, and i pulled the cd out of my pocket and showed them "there, that's her." still completely lost, but with new guides to follow, i did my best to keep up with them because they were "flat hoofing it" as we say back home. i lost count of the blocks, and lost track of all the turns. when we finally reached the carlton i was completely lost and certain that i would have never found it on my own. as we entered the lobby, they didn't slow down a step, but the lady in the couple pointed to a poster on a stand on the right and asked "is that her?"
i looked to see where she was pointing, and saw the poster with the picture on it. "yes, that's her..." they didn't hear me though. having never broken stride, they were already to the elevators.
i went toward the lounge, but there was no music. i asked a waitress if there was entertainment tonight, and she said yes, but they were just on break between sets and would be back in a few minutes. i ordered a tiger and went on in to try and find a spot that was semi-inconspicuous but still near the tiny stage. i picked out a chair against the wall, in the dark. i was right behind of group of about eight or ten people, including some children. they seemed to be a family. the waitress brought my tiger, which was my ticket to be there, and i sipped it in the dark as i waited.
finally they came out, a young guy who took up his position behind an electric piano, and then her, the one who left me here. she picked up the mike and greeted the small crowd and made some references to the group by the stage before asking everyone to join her in singing happy birthday to one of the children, and we all did. after awhile i began to get it that this was her family, though i wasn't sure who they all were. one of them, a pretty lady in a white sweater, was in a chair close to me and gave me a warm smile. after the singing of happy birthday, she moved to a chair closer to the stage and began to cut pieces of birthday cake, handing them to others to be passed around. i think she was the mother of the child having the birthday. after the family all seemed to have a piece, a lady wearing a headscarf, the grandmother i think, who was sitting right in front of me turned and offered me a piece of cake on a napkin.
at that moment i was touched, that even though i was a stranger to them, they invited me to join in their celebration. i looked at the cake, then up to her kind, smiling face, then beyond her to the lady in the white sweater who was looking at me with the same kindness as well and nodding. i returned their smiles and accepted the cake with a thank you and the only Bahasa i could think of "selamat, selamat..." while wishing i could say more.
then the pretty lady in white went up onstage and joined the one, was introduced as her sister, and they sang a song together. afterwards the family began to gather up their things to go, as it was getting late and the children needed to be getting home.
most of the songs were upbeat, light tunes meant to ensure that all had a good time. i only got a glimpse of what i came to see when they did "when you love somebody." some of the power was still there, but she seemed reluctant to let it show. as she ended the song one of the apparrent regulars hooted and cat-called drunkenly, and she asked him to repeat himself because she wasn't understanding him. "when you love somebody, will you love somebody, will YOU love MY body?" he roared. she smiled and laughed and went along with it. then they ended the set and she disappeared for another break. i ordered another tiger and started to wonder why i was there. the keyboard player came by to say thanks for being there, and asked if i had any requests. i showed him the cd and said, "do you know any of these songs?"
he got a surprised look and asked, "oh!! is this her cd? i've only been playing with her for about a year, and i didn't know she had a cd. my background isn't Malay, so i don't know much about that..."
"yeah, that's hers.. i had a friend here send it to me, and i brought it 10,000 miles to ask her to sign it."
"sure, i'll tell her. if you have any songs you want to hear, just let us know, okay?" and then he went off to greet the others.
after a long break, the keyboard player came back out and started to get ready for the next set. i had thought of a song that i would have like to hear, but he said he didn't know it, probably because it was older than he was. so then i thought of pahlawanku, and how i wished we might have had more time. "well then, how about 'home' by michael bublé?" he winked and gave me the thumbs up, and i went back to my chair. he finished setting up and then went into the song without waiting for the one. he was pretty good, and as he sang it i remembered laying in the floorboard or the car while my wife drove, on our way to colorado to scatter my mom's ashes. i had my mp3 player, listening to 'home' and thinking of pahlawanku. she was my lifeline then, the only part of my life that was good and pure. i took refuge in thinking of her, and every time i heard that song i could feel her close to me. none of my experiences seemed complete until i had shared them with her. missing her was agony, but it was the kind of agony that makes you glad too, because you know there's someone in the world that you long to talk to, to be with, or as in my case, to meet someday for the first time.
as he neared the end of the song, the one reappeared and silenty went about arranging her things for the set. when he finished a few of us in the audience applauded, but most did not. she thanked everyone as though the applause had been full though, "thank you, thank you! our very own 'michael bublé' hahaha!" and she gestured to him as smiling he took a bow. then she said "why are you singing that one now?"
"it was a request," he explained.
"oh," she said, "when i came out i didn't know what was going on, we usually don't do that one until the last set. i think 'the people will start leaving if we sing that one now', haha!"
"yes, and if we follow that one with 'leaving on a jet plane' they will all be gone," he quipped.
then she turned and welcomed me, i guess because i was the one new face in what seemed to be a crowd of regulars, or maybe because i was alone and obviously there for the entertainment. "thank you for being here tonight, and if there's any song you want to hear we'll be happy to do it for you." the keyboard player kind of quietly told her that it was i who had requested 'home', as if to say i'd had my request and now it was someone else's turn. "oh, i see," she said. then to me she said, "well, if you think of another one, you just let us know, okay?"
she started to turn to the rest of the crowd, but impulsively i said "how do i live." it took her by surprise, and she blinked, speechless for a moment. i had obviously spoken out of turn, and she was caught off-guard. maybe her offer of another request had been merely a gesture of politeness.
"how do i live?" she asked, and from my shadowed chair against the wall i nodded. "oh, uh, okay. boy, it's been a long time since i sang this one" she said as she and the keyboard player flipped pages to find the music. after a few seconds they were set and the keyboard player started the intro. then the one who left me here began to sing.
as she sang, i kept waiting for...something. she still had the power, and technically, she was perfect, but it was like she was on automatic. she could be consistently perfect without even thinking, or caring. this was routine for her, just another night in the lounge, singing to the drunks who were here to party. there was no heart in it, no soul, no feeling. it was just a job, not an adventure, and sure as hell not the dream she had started out with. i felt like i had lost something, and it saddened me to hear her. she finished the song and right away said "okay, give me something uptempo. all these slow songs and the audience will be falling asleep, haha!" they did two or three more numbers and then disappeared for yet another break.
this was a stupid idea. what the hell am i doing here? chances were that she didn't even remember me, and if she did, chances were that she didn't want to see me. i looked at the cd case. inside with the disk was the hilton coaster she had autographed for me years ago, and she had added her email address so i could write to her. on impulse i took out a pen and turned the coaster over, and put my email address and room number. i closed the coaster up inside the case with a sigh, got up and walked over to the stage. her music stand was there with an open book on it. i carefully placed the cd case on the ledge of the stand, took one last look at her picture, then turned and left.
back out on the street, i pointed myself in the general direction of where i thought the city hall station would be. i walked slowly, in no particular hurry. the night was hot and sticky. i saw a guy loitering, so i asked him if he could point me to the mrt station. he responded by looking around, up the street and down, as if it was the first time such a question had come up, or as if the station moved around a lot and you had to try to catch a glimpse of it as it goes by. i almost laughed out loud, wondering how it could be that someone who lives here could not know where the mrt would be. he finally acknowledged that he was completely stumped, so i mumbled thanks and went on my own way, navigating by what "felt" like the right direction. i wandered for a long time but finally, amazingly, walked right up onto the entrance, neatly tucked in a corner behind a sidewalk cafe. with relief i went into the air conditioned mall and descended the escalator.
it was a short ride, only two stops to orchard, and then i was back up on the steamy sidewalk, in no particular hurry to get where i was going, not looking forward to being alone in the room with the dejection i felt. just before i reached the hotel, a woman's voice called to me. i turned and saw two girls sitting on a bench. one of them motioned for me to come sit beside her, and i did. in broken english, she asked my name and i told her. i asked hers, and she tried to tell me but even after a few tries i was not sure i was understanding, so she pulled out her phone and spelled out 'h-o-a'. hoa. the question still lingered in my mind whether it was really her name, or a phonetic rendering of her occupation. she asked my name, told me she was from china, and asked where i was from. then since we knew each other so well, she took my hand offered "we go to your room, okay? one hundred fifty."
"thanks, but no." even so, her hand was soft and i felt some attraction.
"okay, one hundred."
"no, thank you..."
she tried once more to change my mind, and then let me go. a perfect end to a perfect day.
wednesday
my jet lag continued to worsen as my sleep deficit grew. i had slept some, in one or two hour stretches, but didn't feel at all rested. at breakfast i knew already that i was going to be mostly non-functional most of the day. we got to the office at 9:00, and doa and warboss started training right away. i attended to the few emails i had received, fewer and fewer since i had officially become a short-timer and people began actively dropping me from threads. i tried to track down some of the people i needed to talk to, but a lot of them seemed to be out. dragging, and with nothing better to do, i decided to try to find a place to nap. i went by dragon slayer's desk to ask if there was some out of the way place that would be good for that. she seemed annoyed and a little bit incredulous that i would be asking for a place to sleep when i was supposed to be at work, but without ever really looking up from her laptop she pointed me to a reading room across the aisle from her cube.
the tiny room held a small conference table, two large bookshelves, and at the far end a small couch which turned out to be not too comfortable, but comfortable enough. at least i could get horizontal for awhile. i stretched out and the aching in my chest gave way slightly to relief. i closed my eyes and practiced active relaxation, and within just a few minutes i was asleep. my nap didn't last, though. i woke to the loud click of the door latch as someone started to enter, then, seeing me, changed their mind. not far enough out of the way, i guess. still exhausted, but feeling like i could now make it for another hour or two, i got up and went back to my own conference room where i tried to look busy.
a little before 11:00, whitecoffee stopped by and offered to catch lunch with me since he had been mostly unavailable. i declined, telling him thanks, but that i was more sleepy than hungry and i planned to try to nap some more on my lunch break.he said okay and left. after a few minutes though, i got a second wind and thought maybe i would join him for lunch after all, so i went to find him. i didn't have to look very far. he was just down the aisle leaning on the half wall by dragon slayer's desk having a conversation with her. i strolled down, thinking i could just loiter nearby for a minute or two until they were done, and then ask whitecoffee if the lunch offer was still good. standing where he was, i couldn't see dragon slayer until i got past him, and as soon as i did i could tell that theirs was not a casual conversation. i couldn't hear her words, but i could see that dragon slayer was being emphatic in whatever she was saying, and she had been crying. the moment she caught sight of me, without even taking a breath she said "lee, not now!" with the last word she brought her hand down on her desk top in a karate chop that seemed intended cut cut off any syllable i may have been temtped to utter. son of a bitch! what the hell did i just step in? instantly i had an intuition, but whether it was correct or not was immaterial. nodding silently i took a step back, turned on my heel and retreated to my room.
shit. i tried to focus on something, anything, but i couldn't keep my thoughts from what had just happened. the agonizingly slow internet made it almost impossible to even do email, but i tried. after awhile, pahlawanku came online. we still hadn't gotten back together, and hadn't had too much in the way of conversation either. i waited for a couple of minutes, but she didn't message me, so i messaged her. we chatted some, and i was trying to keep things going, but she seemed distracted, or disinterested. i had known that there was the risk, the classic pitfall of finally meeting a person face to face that you had only spoken to on the phone, or in chat. your imagination fills in the missing pieces for you, completing the other person according to your own hopes and preferences. then when you actually meet, they don't fit with what you expected them to be. being with them just feels. . .wrong. then even trying to go back to the long distance communication doesn't feel right either, because you can't forget the reality of them and get them back to how you had made them to be. i knew i was getting long in the tooth, not especially attractive, and my voice was no treat either. my best feature was my conversation, and that was best experienced as words on a screen, where she could fill in the sound of my voice with the voice she wanted to hear. the real me had foolishly, clumsily, stupidly interjected himself into the reality of others and disturbed their realities.
she dismissed it all as just being a hectic time, and finally said that anyway, she would be at the airport at 9:30 pm if i wanted to see her off, but that if i was too tired to come that was okay. so there it was again, an invitation that was not an invitation. this is where i'll be, but if you don't come that's okay. better than okay, maybe. better because i've met you and it wasn't much fun, or i never asked you to come here, you pushed yourself into my life, or if you come then i'll have to explain to my family who you are and why you're there, and it's really more hassle than i feel like dealing with, or it would be such a relief, it would be so much easier if you don't come. i don't have any time for you anyway.
i didn't want to trust my intuition, so i messaged her "i'll be there if you want me to be" and held my breath waiting for her response. please say that you want me to be there...
the problem with good people is that on the one hand they are kind enough to not want to hurt your feelings, and on the other hand they are scrupulous enough that they don't want to lie either. my pahlawan was a good person, so she did the only thing she could do -- pretend not to notice the implied question, and then change the subject. whether she hoped i was or was not smart enough to get the hint, i really don't know.
i wished i could go home.
that night some friends from another department took us out after work. they knew i wanted to see chinatown, so they took us to an authentic restaurant. the food was all good, though sometimes unidentifiable. we drank beer from bowls, and it was much better than i was used to, so i lapped up three or four bowls' worth. after dinner we shopped some, but it had rained and most of the shops were closed. to top it all off, they decided we must try durian. we found an outdoor (obviously) market that had fresh durian, and our host picked out one that he decided would be good. the outer shell was scored and they split it open to reveal a snow white inner shell, with central cavities each holding two yellow fruit. they offered it to me and i picked one out. it was sticky, gooey, and a mess from the get-go. i decided to jump right in and took a big bite out of mine. visually, it looked like a large piece of boneless white meat covered in cheese sauce, with bitter tree bark in the very center. it wasn't until after i had chewed and chewed and chewed, and finally swallowed, that they clued me in that you're only supposed to eat the yellow gooey stuff. after that i did okay. doa and warboss went just far enough to be able to say "we ate durian" but politely refused seconds. when we were finished, they showed us how to rinse our hands under a stream of water that had run over the outer husk to subdue the odor.
the ride home was a little convoluted, as they knew roughly where our hotel was, but one-way streets conspired to keep us from actually getting there. i was no help at all, but warboss kept recognizing landmarks and trying to tell them "turn that way". after about four attempts they finally conquered the maze and dropped us at the hotel. doa, warboss and i rode the elevator up and then went our separate ways. once in my room i began to wish i had something to drink to help kill the aftertaste of the durian. i had water, which didn't appeal to me at all, or i could drink one of the $8 soft drinks in the frig. the hell with this. i decided to go down to the little store beside the hotel and see what choices they had.
i don't know how much was due to the beer, how much was due to lack of sleep, much much was due to losing my job, and how much... whatever. i had been feeling some melancholy, but this was more than that. i always seemed to find a way to be self-destructive without doing myself any violence. "Sometimes u wonder abt the value of a relationship, especially when it's been tested." i did wonder, but it didn't occur to me that this could be a test. even if it was, and even if i passed, what would be the prize? this trip was a stupid idea. it had not been fate, i had asked for it, and by sheer dumb luck my request had been approved. no, not fate, just my own impatience. how could it have turned out any differently?
the elevator stopped at the ground level and i stepped out onto the smooth marbled floor. i could see the glass doors of the entrance, fogged over with condensation. as i approached, they slid open and a blast of hot, humid air hit me like the moist breath of some demon beast waiting to devour me. with the resigned nonchalance of those who have lost sight of any purpose in life, i stepped through the doors, and into the maw of the beast.
wheels touched down at last, after more than a full day of travel. once inside the terminal, i checked and was glad to see that yes, my phone had service. i moved a discreet distance from doa and warboss and punched in the numbers, clicked call, and held my breath.
there was, as she later described it, a surrealness to it all. neither of our voices was what the other imagined, as though typed words on a screen could have possibly imparted enough to give us the faintest notion of what to expect, even after two and a half years. but at least we weren't stammering for lack of much to say. after a minute, she dis-invited me to her kenduri due to the heat and crowd. i said it was just as well, since it was getting late and we still hadn't collected our checked bags or gone through customs. we said our good-nights. not face to face, yet, but at last i had finally heard the voice of pahlawanku.
sunday
the next day i felt great, with no hint of jet lag. we spent the day fathoming the mrt and exploring a bit. around 11:00 we met fish and catmaster at suntec city. whitecoffee joined us there for lunch, and we spent the rest of the day shopping the nearby malls. furtively i played sporadic message tag with pahlawanku, who was doing her best to find enough of her very short time to go around, and the with dragon slayer, who had encouraged us with greetings, well wishes and welcomes throughout our travel and arrival. i had tried to call the dragon slayer from the hotel earlier but had gotten no answer. by late afternoon, doa and warboss were still standing but just barely, and looked ready to fall dead asleep any minute. i used their fading condition as an excuse to end the day, and whitecoffee offered to drive us back to the hotel.
as he drove us, his car stereo was playing a cd, and i heard a woman's voice start out,
hooooo...oooo..ooo....
you'll remember me when the west wind moves
among the fields of barley
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold...
will you stay with me? will you be my love
among the fields of barley?
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold.
i never made promises lightly,
and there have been some that i've broken
but i swear in the days still left
we will walk in fields of gold.
we'll walk in fields of gold.
it was the most haunting, most beautiful, most soulful song i had ever heard. from the back seat i asked "who is the lady singing this song?"
whitecoffee shrugged and shook his head "i don't know..." but he handed me the cd case over the seat.
i found her name and picture on the back, eva cassidy. i had never heard of her, but made a mental note to check her out. i guess the others could tell how immersed i was in the music, or maybe doa and warboss were falling into a stupor. either way, no one spoke until the song was over. "i like her version better than sting's" i said as i handed the case back to him.
whitecoffee dropped us at the hotel and we said our thanks and goodbyes, and see-you-tomorrows. i had a little more than an hour. after a fast shower and fresh clothes, i tried phoning the dragon slayer, and this time got an answer. we began to talk, and she seemed to have time for conversation, which was a situation beyond rare and into the the territory of damn near never. she was such an enigma to me. i never knew when such a moment might occur, and on the few occassions they had in the past i stubbornly held on it until she obviously had to go. midway into the conversation though, pahlawanku messaged me with a firm time to meet, and i realized i only had about ten more minutes before i'd have to leave.
i wish i had kept count of the number of times i had wondered if my pahlawan and the dragon slayer had somehow met each other and conspired to tag team me. if so, this moment was masterfully orchestrated to create maximum angst. here dragon slayer was opening the door just a crack, but enough to make me think i might finally get enough of a clue to begin to fathom her. meanwhile, the mrt was whisking pahlawanku toward, if not exactly a date with destiny, at least a moment i had longed for and a chance that once missed would probably never come again. of course, a moment like the one i was having with dragon slayer might also never come again either, so i stayed with it past the time i thought i should be leaving. my anxiety increased by the minute, though, and the thought of pahlawanku waiting at orchard station, looking around for me, looking at her watch, then giving up and getting back on the mrt...
feeling like i was abandoning her in her time of need, i told dragon slayer as gently as i could, "i'm sorry, but i have to go..." from her perspective i can only imagine her thinking "you're 10,000 miles from home.. what could possibly be on your calendar that is imposing a hard stop on your time, my time, when i was about to share my soul with you?" but she said no such thing, just graciously let me go.
i hastily gathered up a few items into a sack, took the elevator downstairs and began a brisk walk the few blocks to orchard station. i got there and looked all around, but no pahlawan. i tried to guess which way she would be coming in, and picked a spot by a pillar where i could watch, and where she could find me easily. the crowd thinned until the place was almost empty, and then after a few minutes another batch came streaming through the turnstiles.
then i saw her, and she saw me too, not looking straight at me but turning her head a little to the right and looking at me kind of from the corner of her eye, and smiling the way she does. just like the hundreds of pictures i'd seen of her. we said hellos and hugged politely, then leisurely began to walk together to the exit, talking as we went. surreal, yes but awkward, no. not for me, at least. after a while we found a coffee shop that was not too loud, and we sat with cold drinks while she looked at some souveniers i had brought for her. talking to her was easy. we had once worried that when we met we might have trouble making a real conversation, and she was afraid i wouldn't understand her because of her accent, but no such troubles. i was enjoying it, savoring it, wishing it could last longer but knowing it couldn't. i knew that she was giving me a major chunk of the precious little time she had, and even so i was painfully aware of the time slipping away.
after awhile it was obvious that we were the last ones in the cafe, and the store keepers were ready to clean up and close. we gathered up our things and went outside.
"you know, this changes things..." i said, "you're no longer the best friend i never met." she nodded to allow that was true, and then i added "now i can die happy."
"but don't do that tomorrow, okay?"
"sure, okay," i agreed.
she walked with me most of the way back to my hotel before finally flagging a cab. we said goodbye, hugged one more time. then she got into the back of the taxi, which was now waiting for a light. since traffic was stopped, i crossed the wide street but tripped clumsily at the curb when i turned to wave goodbye one last time. it was dark inside the cab, and i couldn't tell if she was waving back, or if she had even seen me wave, or seen me stumble. if she's even looking at me, she's probably thinking "what a klutz." but then the light changed, and as i watched, the cab sped off with her, and that was that...she was gone.
my sleep had not been great, and that night it was still not great -- sleep one or two hours, wake up, lie still and maybe get back to sleep for another hour or two, repeat as necessary. sometime during the night, i began to have...understanding.
there is a desert where, over thousands of years, the wind-driven sand has carved rock into sculptures that look like they were made by rushing waters, amazing works of art that only God has the patience to create. i understood then that every moment of our lives is like one of those grains of sand, sent to carve one tiny speck from the raw stone of our lives, and imperceptibly shape us as he intends. but it takes forever, and unlike the stone, we have free will, and sometimes we want what we want, and don't have the patience, foresight or wisdom to wait for God's perfect plan to work itself out in us. we take matters into our own hands, selfishly take shortcuts on the path to intimacy to get what we think we want, and make a hell of a mess of things. i could look at my life and pick out those moments now, and i finally understood them for what they were, the evidence of my lack of faith. faith, which if i only had enough to fill a mustard seed i could tell a mountain to throw itself into the sea, and it would obey. Jesus himself did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped. yet i, a mere child through adoption, arrogantly assume that mantle of control over my own destiny, my lack of faith evidenced by my failure to trust him.
i suddenly felt a compelling need to pray, and i felt that to pray while just laying there would not show him proper respect. i thought of how we always pray in church, standing with heads bowed and eyes closed, and the presumptuous audacity of it was repulsive to me. i got off the bed and onto my knees, then put my hands face down on the floor and pressed my face to the backs of them. i prayed for several minutes, tears pouring from my eyes, on my face as i had never prayed before.
I wondered if it mattered to God. surely it must have, for the feeling to have been so strong. so did it matter then, that i'd never prayed like that? was is wrong to pray sitting or standing? in some religions they always pray face down on the floor, but does praying with your face on the floor always make your prayers worth saying? some say it's a matter of obedience, others say that you can't legislate morality. if you obey the law to avoid the penalty, or even to make yourself acceptable to other people, then does that make you righteous? the pharisees were experts at obeying the law, but Jesus rebuked them. their righteousness, and mine, was as filthy rags. i began to see the behaviors of the law being the manifestation of the love of God, the fruit. attempts to mimmick those behaviors to appear righteous are futile and insulting to God. change comes from the inside out. 'grace' is God withholding the penalty, allowing us a little more time to come to recognize the truth. by his mercy, we live our days being carved by the wind and the sand, and if we are wise and fortunate and obedient, we are gently shaped to his pleasure. but if a particular blemish is hard and resists the wind and the sand, it takes a stonger blow to clear it...
as my heart and mind and soul were swept along, i was filled with awe and amazement, and twice more i found myself face down on the floor with the tears streaming from my eyes. at one point i thought "this is too important, i have to write this down." and so i tried, but the more i tried to get it written down, the faster it seemed to dissolve away, like trying to remember a dream...
monday
dragon slayer had predicted that our first day in the office would be mostly taken up with socializing. she was pretty much right. when she first saw me she said "lee! i don't remember you looking this way!" i tried to find out how she thought i had changed, but the best she could do was show me a photo on the wall that was taken on my last trip, which was the only time we'd met. looked the same to me. "well, what can i say? i'm three years older."
it was delicious to me, meeting so many of my friends again. it felt good to see their smiles, and they always made me feel welcomed there. but they are an industrious bunch, and before the morning got too far wasted actual business did start popping in. dragon slayer in particular. she was a short-timer, having announced her notice a few days before, and she was frantically trying to wrap up those projects she could, or deliver a smooth handoff on those she couldn't. not all business with her, but she had direction and focus to her efforts and could almost never be distracted. but, now and then i still tried. "you know, i remember that you recently took a trip to California, and i never got to hear anything about it." she stopped speechless for a second as her eyes opened wide, sending her brows into a nice arch before her quick and graceful recovery. "yes, well...we're not going to talk about that!" she turned smartly and went back behind her desk, having swiftly and deftly parried my kay-poh question into her personal life. doa put it best when he said "yep, she's cagey."
she took lunch from the canteen to her desk while some of the rest of us went out, but she met up with us again for the fruit trays the company served. after lunch we seriously got down to business. by six o'clock i was done, spent, and most of the people i was working with had gone home. but doa and warboss weren't tired at all, and were still training at seven o'clock. jet lag had finally caught up with me and was now kicking my ass. about the fifth time i stepped into their room, they took my hint that i'd like to call it a day. lazarus came by and offered to take us out for dinner. i allowed that doa and warboss would probably like to go out, but it was my turn to get the hotel and go to bed without dinner, and would be so kind as to drop me at the mrt? we went to his car, but he didn't stop at the mrt. instead he headed for the freeway, explaining that he could drop me off and then take the guys to dinner. i was grateful.
i was disappointed that i hadn't heard anything from pahlawanku all day. i knew she was busy, and her schedule was even more erratic due to late night soccer matches, or football as it's known everywhere except the u.s. just then my phone chimed that i had received a text message. i quickly read it. there was some explanation that she didn't have her phone at lunch because the battery was dead and needed some serious charging. she ended by saying "see you tomorrow". that last got my hopes up. i replied back asking her to clarify. "really? see me tomorrow? literally, or figuratively as in on-line? this proximity thing confuses me..."
confuses me? i must have really confused dragon slayer with that message. it wasn't until several days later that i realized that message was from her, not pahlawanku.
what an ass.
tuesday
i alighted from the mrt at city hall station. after dinner with my coworkers, i had announced my plans and was inwardly relieved when they decided not to join me. now i was faced with the not too trivial problem of figuring out which way to go from city hall. the signs for the b exit did not list the hotel i wanted, so i kept looking. another list had it for the a exit, which was fine, if i could just find out where was the a exit. for a country bumpkin, even the most elementary details of big city navigation are a challenge. i finally asked a lady if she could tell me which way to the carlton, and she tried to help me, but was showing me to the b exit so i thanked her and left. finally found the a exit and rode the escalator up to street level.
as tall as the carlton was, several other buildings were at least as tall and i really had no idea which way to go. i ventured out a block, continually scanning around to see if the hotel name might peek out from between the other buildings if i could just get the proper angle, but that angle seemed to be eluding me. there was a group of three girls passing by me, and when they got close to me i said, "excuse me, do you know the way to the carlton?" it was as if i had truly accosted them. with alarmed looks on their faces, they nervously shook their heads no and hurried off. shit. do i seem that damned terrifying? a small chinese lady was crossing the street, and so i decided to try to ask her, as she was older and perhaps not so fearful of me. when i asked her if she could point me in the direction of the carlton, she didn't run away, but she didn't seem to understand either. after a couple of tries i finally realized that she was trying to tell me that her english was not good, but she wanted to help me find someone who could direct me. she was pointing up the block in the direction she was going and indicated that i should follow her, so i did. right away we met a group coming towards us, a young woman and a couple. my guide approached the young woman and began speaking to her in chinese, and after a minute i could see that the young woman understood that i was lost and needed directions. she turned to me and asked "where are you going?" when i told her the carlton hotel, she said, "oh, we're going there too, you can just walk with us." then she explained to the little chinese lady that i was going where they were going, and they would lead me. a smile of approval came across her face, happy that i was going to be taken care of. i said thank you and bowed respectfully to her to communicate my appreciation for her help, and smiling she bowed to me in response to say "you're welcome."
as we started off to cross the first intersection the couple asked me if i was staying at the carlton too, and i explained that, no, i was going to hear the singer there, and i pulled the cd out of my pocket and showed them "there, that's her." still completely lost, but with new guides to follow, i did my best to keep up with them because they were "flat hoofing it" as we say back home. i lost count of the blocks, and lost track of all the turns. when we finally reached the carlton i was completely lost and certain that i would have never found it on my own. as we entered the lobby, they didn't slow down a step, but the lady in the couple pointed to a poster on a stand on the right and asked "is that her?"
i looked to see where she was pointing, and saw the poster with the picture on it. "yes, that's her..." they didn't hear me though. having never broken stride, they were already to the elevators.
i went toward the lounge, but there was no music. i asked a waitress if there was entertainment tonight, and she said yes, but they were just on break between sets and would be back in a few minutes. i ordered a tiger and went on in to try and find a spot that was semi-inconspicuous but still near the tiny stage. i picked out a chair against the wall, in the dark. i was right behind of group of about eight or ten people, including some children. they seemed to be a family. the waitress brought my tiger, which was my ticket to be there, and i sipped it in the dark as i waited.
finally they came out, a young guy who took up his position behind an electric piano, and then her, the one who left me here. she picked up the mike and greeted the small crowd and made some references to the group by the stage before asking everyone to join her in singing happy birthday to one of the children, and we all did. after awhile i began to get it that this was her family, though i wasn't sure who they all were. one of them, a pretty lady in a white sweater, was in a chair close to me and gave me a warm smile. after the singing of happy birthday, she moved to a chair closer to the stage and began to cut pieces of birthday cake, handing them to others to be passed around. i think she was the mother of the child having the birthday. after the family all seemed to have a piece, a lady wearing a headscarf, the grandmother i think, who was sitting right in front of me turned and offered me a piece of cake on a napkin.
at that moment i was touched, that even though i was a stranger to them, they invited me to join in their celebration. i looked at the cake, then up to her kind, smiling face, then beyond her to the lady in the white sweater who was looking at me with the same kindness as well and nodding. i returned their smiles and accepted the cake with a thank you and the only Bahasa i could think of "selamat, selamat..." while wishing i could say more.
then the pretty lady in white went up onstage and joined the one, was introduced as her sister, and they sang a song together. afterwards the family began to gather up their things to go, as it was getting late and the children needed to be getting home.
most of the songs were upbeat, light tunes meant to ensure that all had a good time. i only got a glimpse of what i came to see when they did "when you love somebody." some of the power was still there, but she seemed reluctant to let it show. as she ended the song one of the apparrent regulars hooted and cat-called drunkenly, and she asked him to repeat himself because she wasn't understanding him. "when you love somebody, will you love somebody, will YOU love MY body?" he roared. she smiled and laughed and went along with it. then they ended the set and she disappeared for another break. i ordered another tiger and started to wonder why i was there. the keyboard player came by to say thanks for being there, and asked if i had any requests. i showed him the cd and said, "do you know any of these songs?"
he got a surprised look and asked, "oh!! is this her cd? i've only been playing with her for about a year, and i didn't know she had a cd. my background isn't Malay, so i don't know much about that..."
"yeah, that's hers.. i had a friend here send it to me, and i brought it 10,000 miles to ask her to sign it."
"sure, i'll tell her. if you have any songs you want to hear, just let us know, okay?" and then he went off to greet the others.
after a long break, the keyboard player came back out and started to get ready for the next set. i had thought of a song that i would have like to hear, but he said he didn't know it, probably because it was older than he was. so then i thought of pahlawanku, and how i wished we might have had more time. "well then, how about 'home' by michael bublé?" he winked and gave me the thumbs up, and i went back to my chair. he finished setting up and then went into the song without waiting for the one. he was pretty good, and as he sang it i remembered laying in the floorboard or the car while my wife drove, on our way to colorado to scatter my mom's ashes. i had my mp3 player, listening to 'home' and thinking of pahlawanku. she was my lifeline then, the only part of my life that was good and pure. i took refuge in thinking of her, and every time i heard that song i could feel her close to me. none of my experiences seemed complete until i had shared them with her. missing her was agony, but it was the kind of agony that makes you glad too, because you know there's someone in the world that you long to talk to, to be with, or as in my case, to meet someday for the first time.
as he neared the end of the song, the one reappeared and silenty went about arranging her things for the set. when he finished a few of us in the audience applauded, but most did not. she thanked everyone as though the applause had been full though, "thank you, thank you! our very own 'michael bublé' hahaha!" and she gestured to him as smiling he took a bow. then she said "why are you singing that one now?"
"it was a request," he explained.
"oh," she said, "when i came out i didn't know what was going on, we usually don't do that one until the last set. i think 'the people will start leaving if we sing that one now', haha!"
"yes, and if we follow that one with 'leaving on a jet plane' they will all be gone," he quipped.
then she turned and welcomed me, i guess because i was the one new face in what seemed to be a crowd of regulars, or maybe because i was alone and obviously there for the entertainment. "thank you for being here tonight, and if there's any song you want to hear we'll be happy to do it for you." the keyboard player kind of quietly told her that it was i who had requested 'home', as if to say i'd had my request and now it was someone else's turn. "oh, i see," she said. then to me she said, "well, if you think of another one, you just let us know, okay?"
she started to turn to the rest of the crowd, but impulsively i said "how do i live." it took her by surprise, and she blinked, speechless for a moment. i had obviously spoken out of turn, and she was caught off-guard. maybe her offer of another request had been merely a gesture of politeness.
"how do i live?" she asked, and from my shadowed chair against the wall i nodded. "oh, uh, okay. boy, it's been a long time since i sang this one" she said as she and the keyboard player flipped pages to find the music. after a few seconds they were set and the keyboard player started the intro. then the one who left me here began to sing.
How do I
Get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything good in my Life.
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?
as she sang, i kept waiting for...something. she still had the power, and technically, she was perfect, but it was like she was on automatic. she could be consistently perfect without even thinking, or caring. this was routine for her, just another night in the lounge, singing to the drunks who were here to party. there was no heart in it, no soul, no feeling. it was just a job, not an adventure, and sure as hell not the dream she had started out with. i felt like i had lost something, and it saddened me to hear her. she finished the song and right away said "okay, give me something uptempo. all these slow songs and the audience will be falling asleep, haha!" they did two or three more numbers and then disappeared for yet another break.
this was a stupid idea. what the hell am i doing here? chances were that she didn't even remember me, and if she did, chances were that she didn't want to see me. i looked at the cd case. inside with the disk was the hilton coaster she had autographed for me years ago, and she had added her email address so i could write to her. on impulse i took out a pen and turned the coaster over, and put my email address and room number. i closed the coaster up inside the case with a sigh, got up and walked over to the stage. her music stand was there with an open book on it. i carefully placed the cd case on the ledge of the stand, took one last look at her picture, then turned and left.
back out on the street, i pointed myself in the general direction of where i thought the city hall station would be. i walked slowly, in no particular hurry. the night was hot and sticky. i saw a guy loitering, so i asked him if he could point me to the mrt station. he responded by looking around, up the street and down, as if it was the first time such a question had come up, or as if the station moved around a lot and you had to try to catch a glimpse of it as it goes by. i almost laughed out loud, wondering how it could be that someone who lives here could not know where the mrt would be. he finally acknowledged that he was completely stumped, so i mumbled thanks and went on my own way, navigating by what "felt" like the right direction. i wandered for a long time but finally, amazingly, walked right up onto the entrance, neatly tucked in a corner behind a sidewalk cafe. with relief i went into the air conditioned mall and descended the escalator.
it was a short ride, only two stops to orchard, and then i was back up on the steamy sidewalk, in no particular hurry to get where i was going, not looking forward to being alone in the room with the dejection i felt. just before i reached the hotel, a woman's voice called to me. i turned and saw two girls sitting on a bench. one of them motioned for me to come sit beside her, and i did. in broken english, she asked my name and i told her. i asked hers, and she tried to tell me but even after a few tries i was not sure i was understanding, so she pulled out her phone and spelled out 'h-o-a'. hoa. the question still lingered in my mind whether it was really her name, or a phonetic rendering of her occupation. she asked my name, told me she was from china, and asked where i was from. then since we knew each other so well, she took my hand offered "we go to your room, okay? one hundred fifty."
"thanks, but no." even so, her hand was soft and i felt some attraction.
"okay, one hundred."
"no, thank you..."
she tried once more to change my mind, and then let me go. a perfect end to a perfect day.
wednesday
my jet lag continued to worsen as my sleep deficit grew. i had slept some, in one or two hour stretches, but didn't feel at all rested. at breakfast i knew already that i was going to be mostly non-functional most of the day. we got to the office at 9:00, and doa and warboss started training right away. i attended to the few emails i had received, fewer and fewer since i had officially become a short-timer and people began actively dropping me from threads. i tried to track down some of the people i needed to talk to, but a lot of them seemed to be out. dragging, and with nothing better to do, i decided to try to find a place to nap. i went by dragon slayer's desk to ask if there was some out of the way place that would be good for that. she seemed annoyed and a little bit incredulous that i would be asking for a place to sleep when i was supposed to be at work, but without ever really looking up from her laptop she pointed me to a reading room across the aisle from her cube.
the tiny room held a small conference table, two large bookshelves, and at the far end a small couch which turned out to be not too comfortable, but comfortable enough. at least i could get horizontal for awhile. i stretched out and the aching in my chest gave way slightly to relief. i closed my eyes and practiced active relaxation, and within just a few minutes i was asleep. my nap didn't last, though. i woke to the loud click of the door latch as someone started to enter, then, seeing me, changed their mind. not far enough out of the way, i guess. still exhausted, but feeling like i could now make it for another hour or two, i got up and went back to my own conference room where i tried to look busy.
a little before 11:00, whitecoffee stopped by and offered to catch lunch with me since he had been mostly unavailable. i declined, telling him thanks, but that i was more sleepy than hungry and i planned to try to nap some more on my lunch break.he said okay and left. after a few minutes though, i got a second wind and thought maybe i would join him for lunch after all, so i went to find him. i didn't have to look very far. he was just down the aisle leaning on the half wall by dragon slayer's desk having a conversation with her. i strolled down, thinking i could just loiter nearby for a minute or two until they were done, and then ask whitecoffee if the lunch offer was still good. standing where he was, i couldn't see dragon slayer until i got past him, and as soon as i did i could tell that theirs was not a casual conversation. i couldn't hear her words, but i could see that dragon slayer was being emphatic in whatever she was saying, and she had been crying. the moment she caught sight of me, without even taking a breath she said "lee, not now!" with the last word she brought her hand down on her desk top in a karate chop that seemed intended cut cut off any syllable i may have been temtped to utter. son of a bitch! what the hell did i just step in? instantly i had an intuition, but whether it was correct or not was immaterial. nodding silently i took a step back, turned on my heel and retreated to my room.
shit. i tried to focus on something, anything, but i couldn't keep my thoughts from what had just happened. the agonizingly slow internet made it almost impossible to even do email, but i tried. after awhile, pahlawanku came online. we still hadn't gotten back together, and hadn't had too much in the way of conversation either. i waited for a couple of minutes, but she didn't message me, so i messaged her. we chatted some, and i was trying to keep things going, but she seemed distracted, or disinterested. i had known that there was the risk, the classic pitfall of finally meeting a person face to face that you had only spoken to on the phone, or in chat. your imagination fills in the missing pieces for you, completing the other person according to your own hopes and preferences. then when you actually meet, they don't fit with what you expected them to be. being with them just feels. . .wrong. then even trying to go back to the long distance communication doesn't feel right either, because you can't forget the reality of them and get them back to how you had made them to be. i knew i was getting long in the tooth, not especially attractive, and my voice was no treat either. my best feature was my conversation, and that was best experienced as words on a screen, where she could fill in the sound of my voice with the voice she wanted to hear. the real me had foolishly, clumsily, stupidly interjected himself into the reality of others and disturbed their realities.
she dismissed it all as just being a hectic time, and finally said that anyway, she would be at the airport at 9:30 pm if i wanted to see her off, but that if i was too tired to come that was okay. so there it was again, an invitation that was not an invitation. this is where i'll be, but if you don't come that's okay. better than okay, maybe. better because i've met you and it wasn't much fun, or i never asked you to come here, you pushed yourself into my life, or if you come then i'll have to explain to my family who you are and why you're there, and it's really more hassle than i feel like dealing with, or it would be such a relief, it would be so much easier if you don't come. i don't have any time for you anyway.
i didn't want to trust my intuition, so i messaged her "i'll be there if you want me to be" and held my breath waiting for her response. please say that you want me to be there...
the problem with good people is that on the one hand they are kind enough to not want to hurt your feelings, and on the other hand they are scrupulous enough that they don't want to lie either. my pahlawan was a good person, so she did the only thing she could do -- pretend not to notice the implied question, and then change the subject. whether she hoped i was or was not smart enough to get the hint, i really don't know.
i wished i could go home.
that night some friends from another department took us out after work. they knew i wanted to see chinatown, so they took us to an authentic restaurant. the food was all good, though sometimes unidentifiable. we drank beer from bowls, and it was much better than i was used to, so i lapped up three or four bowls' worth. after dinner we shopped some, but it had rained and most of the shops were closed. to top it all off, they decided we must try durian. we found an outdoor (obviously) market that had fresh durian, and our host picked out one that he decided would be good. the outer shell was scored and they split it open to reveal a snow white inner shell, with central cavities each holding two yellow fruit. they offered it to me and i picked one out. it was sticky, gooey, and a mess from the get-go. i decided to jump right in and took a big bite out of mine. visually, it looked like a large piece of boneless white meat covered in cheese sauce, with bitter tree bark in the very center. it wasn't until after i had chewed and chewed and chewed, and finally swallowed, that they clued me in that you're only supposed to eat the yellow gooey stuff. after that i did okay. doa and warboss went just far enough to be able to say "we ate durian" but politely refused seconds. when we were finished, they showed us how to rinse our hands under a stream of water that had run over the outer husk to subdue the odor.
the ride home was a little convoluted, as they knew roughly where our hotel was, but one-way streets conspired to keep us from actually getting there. i was no help at all, but warboss kept recognizing landmarks and trying to tell them "turn that way". after about four attempts they finally conquered the maze and dropped us at the hotel. doa, warboss and i rode the elevator up and then went our separate ways. once in my room i began to wish i had something to drink to help kill the aftertaste of the durian. i had water, which didn't appeal to me at all, or i could drink one of the $8 soft drinks in the frig. the hell with this. i decided to go down to the little store beside the hotel and see what choices they had.
i don't know how much was due to the beer, how much was due to lack of sleep, much much was due to losing my job, and how much... whatever. i had been feeling some melancholy, but this was more than that. i always seemed to find a way to be self-destructive without doing myself any violence. "Sometimes u wonder abt the value of a relationship, especially when it's been tested." i did wonder, but it didn't occur to me that this could be a test. even if it was, and even if i passed, what would be the prize? this trip was a stupid idea. it had not been fate, i had asked for it, and by sheer dumb luck my request had been approved. no, not fate, just my own impatience. how could it have turned out any differently?
the elevator stopped at the ground level and i stepped out onto the smooth marbled floor. i could see the glass doors of the entrance, fogged over with condensation. as i approached, they slid open and a blast of hot, humid air hit me like the moist breath of some demon beast waiting to devour me. with the resigned nonchalance of those who have lost sight of any purpose in life, i stepped through the doors, and into the maw of the beast.
posted by fool2cr at 6/23/2008 03:29:00 AM
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