easter

got somewhat tricked into going to sunrise service this morning. every easter our church holds a service at the local ccc lake park. built during the great depression, the civilian conservation corps erected several sandstone structures that were probably never really intended to be permanent. whether out of sentiment or respect, our community fought (with only partial success) to keep the pavillions, boat dock and picnic areas and fireplaces from crumbling back into the earth they rose from.


easter, most holy of christian holidays. i can see why others might say we don't take christianity seriously. those who can't stay up and "tarry one hour" in earnest prayer (self included) will, once a year, get up and go out to the park before the sun comes up. of all sundays, easter is the one i sometimes think i'd rather stay home, as the church is sure to be filled to capacity by people that only come twice a year - easter and christmas.

once a year, at christmas, send food baskets to the poor, as if the poor only get hungry once a year. charities go wild collecting money, food, clothing, blankets, toys, anything that people might give, out of love, compassion, duty, or plain old fashioned guilt during this special season.

the ccc lake park has a one-way drive that makes a large circle, so as i left i had to drive all through the park. it had been a few years, and it really did seem nice on this beautiful morning. i said a prayer for peace, knowing that millions of others must have prayed for the same since wars began. christians, muslims, and jews all pray to the same god. why can't we love one another?


when i was young, i remember thinking at one point that no one really close to me had ever died. now i can't begin to count them all. even people i couldn't really count as close still touched my life in some way, and so their death touched me too.

peggy, and mac before her.

nevilyn,

kirk.

pete.

everyone dies, no surprise there. but when i think of them, i imagine god walking through a great orchard, and sometimes he finds a fruit that is just so perfectly ripe, it could never be any sweeter than it is at that moment. he is pleased and he smiles, and he would never let such a delightful and delicious fruit fall to the ground.

so he just...picks it...

Flowers for Algernon

doc gave me some samples, first a week of half-dose, then two weeks full dose.

shit, i thought i was dying.

about 2 days in, i was having anxiety attacks so bad that i had to just lie down til they passed. fast heartbeat, weak knees, trembling hands. this is supposed to make me feel better??? they finally subsided.

the first 3 days on full dose were great. talk about energy! i felt fully rested on about 6 hours sleep per night. at work, i was finally able to concentrate and accomplish chores that previously i did not have the patience or the attention span to complete. and my alertness was way up, noticing things that before would have slipped right by me.

then came the headaches. the fourth day on full dose, not quite as bad as a migraine, but definitely enough to keep me from thinking about work. over the next few days they were less severe, but still frequent.

by early the next week, i realized that i could no longer see my monitor clearly. before, i was fine without my glasses, but now i couldn't see the monitor enought to read. even with my glasses, it was not at the right distance. in frustration, i lowered the res to 1024.

after 3 weeks, i went back for the follow up. doc decided that the change in my eyesight could be a side effect of the meds, elevated intra-ocular pressure. so she switched me to an older med that does not affect the norepinephrines. been on it a week now, and near as i can tell it doesn't do anything. last night we were at Pizza Hut and a lady at the next table was talking and talking. i turned to my wife and whispered "the pills must not be working because, i swear, that lady over there has the most annoying voice in the world." my daughter overheard me and tried to reassure me, "don't blame the pills; i think so too." oh well.

my energy level has dropped back down to about what it was before i started on this little adventure. i had my first fight with my wife since i started taking meds, so i guess my bullshit tolerance is falling back down to previous norms.

god, those 3 days felt so good! is this how normal people feel? could i feel this good most of the time? is this really what life is supposed to be like? my god, i never knew, never realized! this is fantastic!

i had such hope, those 3 days...