backgammon

now i'm addicted to backgammon, the stupid internet game where you play a real person remotely. i'll piss away hours and hours, and even when i "quit" i'll start it right back up again. the opponent is a real person, but you can't see them, and your conversations are restricted to certain select words and phrases. yes, you guessed correctly, the list does not include things i would frequently like to say. "oh, shit" isn't in there, nor is "you asshole!" inflammatory, i know. maybe the enforced restraint is supposed to be teaching us true self-control. if so, it's not working for me. apparently not for some others either. opponents get mad and just quit when things aren't going their way. that used to make me mad, but i've come to recognize it as a high compliment.

i typically end up ignoring the chat window completely, and just direct my comments to my monitor. "you're either brave or stupid, buddy; not the move i'd make." more often my comments are intended for the invisible wizard who generates the rolls. "why the hell can't I get double sixes?? you have to make certain that son-of-a-bitch wins?" maybe the game really is fair and random and all that, but i've played enough now to get a sense of karma about the whole damn thing. like when someone doubles the stakes of the game, usually they suddenly get lucky as hell. i've seen it happen to my opponent and it's happened to me too. it's as if the game is rewarding players who up the ante. and bad karma happens too. if i've been on a mean streak, bouncing my opponents at every chance, keeping my foot on their throat without mercy, suddenly they begin to get these truly magical rolls that absolutely defy statistical laws.

of course, all this practice is paying off in ways -- i'm getting pretty good. the naturals are all automatic now. i've come to appreciate the value invested in the stones that are close to home. even so, experience and skill only go so far. there is still the element of luck or karma or what the hell ever. sometimes you get a roll of the dice that just sucks and there is no good move you can make. (i console myself that way rather than face the truth that the moves i'd already made contributed to the predicament.) i play and play and play. i find myself taking bad risks that don't pay off. i accept challenges to double when i should just resign.

i was talking about backgammon, i was.