in vain

sorry, God. i got mad and cursed, used your name. i would ask you to forgive me, but you know there's other things i need to take care of before i come to you with that.

just so you know, i've really been trying. trying to be the right man, right husband, right father. even though i know it doesn't 'fix' anything that's come before, maybe getting on the right path now will make things better in the end.

but today i got a reality check. got reminded that i was not enough before, am not enough today, and can never be enough ever. when she said that i could stay and she would leave, secretly i hoped she would. i hoped she would go, find happiness, or at least find that i wasn't really the cause of her unhappiness. like the farsightedness that comes with age...maybe if she could get far enough away she might see me more clearly.

anyway, that's how i feel. i'm not giving up, not rolling over and quitting. but still, not hopeful right now. promised a year, but almost reneged on that today. you know what will happen, i don't. maybe you could give me a hint?